Friday, January 13, 2012

-16- Friday the 13th

Let's talk about unfortunate events. I'm sure everyone had their run ins with the shitty side of life, and occasionally it all gets piled onto one day. Sometimes you wake up in the morning and you're sore like a motherfucker even though you did nothing at all the day before. Sometimes you wake up late. Sometimes you don't even wake up in the morning. The latter actually is my preferred of the bad luck days, because then at least you've taken up some time that could have been used productively stepping in shit or something. After the day starts on the wrong foot and you already know what you're in for, there's usually a slight lull in bad luck, usually between breakfast and right before you get outside. This is to make you relax and fall for one of life's greatest presents that I already mentioned above, stepping into shit on the way to work.

By the way, there are degrees to stepping into shit, believe it or not. There's the side step, which is just the tip of your shoe, easy to rub off, probably the least of your worries unless you got your pants involved in that one. Then there's the tip of your toes, when it's right on the front of your shoe, and it's a total bummer because you can see it and it's nasty, and there's usually absolutely nothing there to get it off when you need it most. It sucks, but it can get worse. There is after all, the full impact heel. This is the absolute worst state of stepping into shit, and is the best indicator of bad luck. There are so many problems involved here. First off, if you powerwalk like a champ, you are likely to slide down the shit and maybe even fall into it. Secondly, you can't get it out. You can wipe your shoe on grass, and whatever else you find, but it won't come off. The heel of every shoe is made purposely to carry shit you've stepped on with you for as long as it possibly can. And finally, if you're not paying attention, you won't even notice it. Only later on, someone will come up to you and ask "What's that smell?" and then there it is! Under your heel, smirking at you. That foul beast!

How can things get any worse after stepping in shit, you might ask? Well there is always an answer, my dear friends, and that answer is last nights food. This is the basic scenario for a shitty day at work/school, for days when life doesn't want to get creative with what it's going to throw at you. You sit there, quietly doing your work, and then you realize that those weird sounds you've been hearing are coming from your stomach. In my case, I could never be sure whether they were good sounds or bad sounds. And the moment you notice it, you realize everyone else has been staring at you for a while, making bets on whether or not you're going to rip the biggest one ever. In this case, my usual reaction is to stare back at every person at once, in the matter of a guy who just triggered a pressure bomb. Everyone knows what's going to happen and that you can't control it. Nonetheless, they still stare at you as if you can just press a button and turn that shit off. But it doesn't work that way. You can't turn off baked beans for dinner. It just doesn't work that way. So you sit there, with that ticking bomb inside you, not knowing just what's going to happen next.

Another unfortunate occurrence that never gets old is being accused of shit you didn't do. It often is for something you don't even care about, like eating something that isn't yours or taking something you can't even spell correctly. I mean who the fuck steals a needlespine acuna cactus? Really? My fifth grade teacher was a fucking idiot. The worst part is that whenever you get accused of this nonsense, your alibi isn't much better. No, teacher, I wasn't stealing your bullshit cactus, because I was trying to sneak a peek at my grades. See, you can't say something like that. And the older you get, the worse these situations get. No, policeman, I wasn't stealing this little girl's scooter, because I was smoking in the bathroom doesn't let you off much better. In these bummer situations, all you can say is "I wasn't even in the room!", but of course, that's what they all say. There's literally no way out of this one rather than just saying "fuck it", and playing along with the story until the whole story blows over.

You might have guessed it, an even worse unfortunate occurence is being accused of shit that you DID do. Fuck, nobody likes to get caught. It's a bummer, it's the whole reason we do bad shit, just so we wouldn't get caught. If I know i'll get caught, i don't do bad shit. When I do bad shit, it's because I hope i won't get caught and sometimes just for the thrill of not getting caught. You know? So when I'm caught, it sucks terribly because I didn't want to get caught. Fuck getting caught. But you can't get yourself un-caught, covering up a crime after it's already been done is impossible. So the only thing that can happen from there is to sit there and take the slap on the wrist, or some other place, wherever applicable, and plan how to not get caught next time. There is a bigger downside though, for when you get caught for doing shit you forgot doing. In those situations I just sit there saying "oh. Oh that sounds like me. Oh shit I did it. Wait, fuck I just confessed." And it's not even my fault that I forgot, it's the accuser's fault for not finding out in time. That's the other part of doing bad shit, I do it so that somebody at least tries to find out who did it. If nobody finds out, it's like i didn't do anything in the first place. But when someone finds out and it's so late even I forgot, it sucks even worse. There's no thrill, there's not even the bummer of being caught. You just sit there saying, "holy shit man, you didn't even know? I forgot I did it man, what do you want from me, to keep a notebook of the bad shit I do?"

And you guessed it, the last unfortunate occurrence, although this might not be shared with others, is when someone finds the notebook where you keep track of all the bad shit you do. I'll end this here; if I go on it will get too private, so on this note, thank you for reading and good luck to all of you. Don't step in shit, don't eat baked beans, and don't get caught doing bad shit. Plan it out better.


  1. First off: You know you stole your teachers cactus and then proceeded to throw it on the schools roof at recess. You were an asshole.

    Second, who keeps a book recording all the bad shit they do? You might as well write down every felony you committed and send it to the FBI

  2. All true, and couldn't have worded it better. I'll think twice before i decide to grab some baked beans.

    And I agree with you completely regarding getting caught. People may have different opinions regarding whether it's right to do bad things on the moral scale... but it cannot be denied that we do bad things because we either assume or are thrilled that we don't get caught for it. I generally dislike doing "bad things" because I don't enjoy getting caught and blamed for it; but hey, we're all going to do something insubordinate. In fact, we do so every day without even thinking about it.

  3. you know what like in my math class.
    there were time when i had those undesirable sounds coming from my stomach, from a previous lunch. if while i was in tutoring i hear those noises i would pretend they weren't coming from me. but there was only one girl a guy and me tutoring math. and for that of being accused of something you didn't is a pain in the back of the ears cuz in class will could of been whispering and the professor looked at us with his mr. Miyagi round face and say stop talking please. lol. liked it tho.